I am depressed. I hate my life and wish I could just start the following one. As a new person in a new family in a new place... I don't feel like going to the gym or jogging or hiking, don't wanna do Spanish, don't wanna read. I wanna take a handful of pills and go to sleep. But I know my boyfriend would hate that. I absolutely don't want to make him sad, so I pretend I am fine.

I had a bad talk with mom today, she pissed me off. She always does with her high expectations. Tells me what to do, what to like and what to want. Where was she when I was 13? She was too busy going to restaurants and gardening. And now she thinks she can fix it all up. Too fucking late. I used to admire her because she was never around, was always distant, beautiful and witty. She should have seized the moment but she lost her chance. Now I see her clearly: she's a selfish envious loser. Now I want to stay as far from her as possible. I wanna be a distant relative, this way she likes me better. And I don't wanna talk to her. Ugh...

We're going to movies tomorrow. Hope it will cheer me up just a bit. I feel so lonely and forsaken. I have no true friends save for my boyfriend, it's not normal, is it?



I used to like my job, really. But little-by-little things kept getting worse. My boss is getting more and more bitchy every day, I don't know if her husband doesn't want to fuck her properly or her crappy mood has other reasons, either way, she vents all her mental shit on us. And I hate it.

Anyway, I've always wondered how people manage to maintain good relationship with their ex's. People don't split up for good reasons. If you were lovers once you can't stay "friends", it's not normal. You can either hate or love each other, there are no other options. You might be too polite to confess it and pretend you don't care, but deep inside you either keep loving or start hating them. At least it's true for girls. I've recently met my ex-boyfriend... Sadly, he's alive. I sort of hoped he would be washed away by Sandy back in November. It's none of my business after all... he's out of my life and all that... But if there's a war or something and I end up running through the city with a gun and see him... naah, he's not worth a bullet. I'll break his both legs and let him go. And if I have ample time I might cut his dick off too. Yeah, I hate that guy.



Hey! It looks like one more person is going to try to read my blog! I'm almost popular! :tongue: Welcome anyway! Feel free to say whatever comes to your mind!

Well, what I actually wanted to write is that I absolutely hate getting up early. I feel like a wreck each time I have to wake up before 8 a.m. I only know one girl who wakes up at dawn and feels truly awake. She can actually start laundry at 7 a.m.! Crazy!

I have a co-worker… He’s younger than me by several years and he’s quite attractive but simply not my type. Too feminine, I would say. But he's not gay (if he is he's not aware of that yet) and I know he likes me. It feels good. I am not going to have any relationship with him but his interest flatters me. It’s been a while since a man other than my boyfriend showed any interest. Nearly all the men I know also know my boyfriend (since they are mostly his friends) and so they treat me like I’m genderless. And this guy… I can’t say he flirts but he often tries to catch my gaze and starts small talks about books and things like that. Well, maybe he’s simply a nice guy and there’s no premeditation in his actions but I sort of hope otherwise. Being a schoolgirl I never had any admirers and I hoped that when I grow up I would be more popular. I’ve never wanted guys to lust after me, it is somewhat disgusting but… damn, I don’t know… I guess I just want some attention… I'm a girl after all.



The Peruvian guy called me today to tell me that... ummm... well, I'm not sure what his point was because I only understood about probably 10% of what he was saying. I think he said he was ill (or had been ill?) and was going to email me. And he was speaking ENGLISH! I actually wished he was speaking Spanish, I may have understood a little more. God, that is some accent! I just kept saying "mm-huh" and "sure" without even understanding things. I hope he is not coming to visit or something... And I really hope I didn't hurt his feelings! I wonder if my accent is just as bad when I speak Spanish...

Guys! Those who learn English or any other foreign language. Please, pay MORE attention to pronunciation! It DOES matter!!! And if you're not sure that your pronunciation is good enough then don't call people, TEXT them!!!



Geez, I'm tired. Why do people like Fridays? I'm usually so sleepy and tired by the end of the week that I only want to crawl back home, lower the blinds and bury myself under a pile of sheets. I don't even feel like taking shower at times. Ummm... so... I could whine a little more about how tired I am but I won't. I better whine about something else. For example, about my poor imagination.

I think I would like to practice my creative writing here (I mean I could post some made-up stories) and maybe I will some day pretty soon. But you can't write a good story if you have shit for plot and I never seem to have a plot other than shit. I need to relax and let my imagination float but it's so hard to do lately. I simply can't find enough time. I start fidgeting aboutf what to buy for dinner and stuff like that. But I don't plan on writing a novel, do I? All I need is a short story at a time. But even a short story must have a core... Damn, I just need to relax. I could use some pot. It's always helped people.


about jogging

Ok, another brief note, I guess. I just wanted to write a bit about jogging. I like jogging, really, I like feeling that I work out and that all my muscles work, I derive true joy from the exertion, I even like tasting my pulse in my throat and knowing that my heart is getting stronger. So why is it so fucking hard to kick my ass out of bed early in the morning and exercise? The first mile is always the hardest but then your body sort of puts up with it and you start actually enjoying it. I don't even mind sweating... Although jogging in summertime can be really challenging. If it's too hot your ming keeps slipping to thinking about the bottle of water you clasp frantically in your hand and about a halt out there and there's no more leeway for pleasure. You get this feeling that you're traversing a gigantic oven that has no end...

Thankfully, not yet =)


shortly about the holidays

Ok, here I am, waiting for my dinner and having nothing else to do. Well, I mean, of course I could clean around or even call my parents to ask how they are doing but let's be realists, nobody ever does it. So, ummm... Xmas was fine, I got some cool presents although I seem to have spent much more money on the stuff I gave other people than what I actually received. But that's what my family is like. My mom will never spend an extra penny on me, she saves everything she can to buy nice (and useless) stuff for herself. So, her present was decidedly the stupidest, I don't even wanna tell anybody what it was. I'm so fucking mysterious.

The New Year's party was a total freak show! I love watching other people booze up and horse around. I can't drink that much myself, physically... so I prefer good old pot and watching everybody else drink whatever they like. Sometimes I pretend I drink screwdriver drinking orange juice, nobody likes those who don't drink. Anyway, I will really try to show up here a bit oftener. Gotta go now, the dinner's waiting.



Woohoo!! Damn, I totally forgot about this place! Umm... I guess, I should tell you (are there any "you", really?) about my Xmas, New Years and stuff. But I don't feel much like writing. Haha! Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Ummm... Anyway, I am bored now and really wish I had some pot. Just an ounce... pleeeease?? It would really amend some things. Ugh... Fuck it.



Ok, I'm back. These weeks were quite hectic with all the shopping and stuff. I like the days right before Christmas when I can relax, watch the decorated pine tree sparkle in the corner and listen to Frank Sinatra.

When I was a kid I loved getting presents, now I am even more excited about giving presents. I always anticipate people's reaction to what I prepared for them. I love seeing their curiosity and thrill and... well, you know... this way their eyes glisten. I think I really like it more than waiting for presents. Maybe that's because I don't get as many presents now as I used to because I do not have as many friends these days. Well, maybe this year it will be better!

You know, I have no idea how I could possibly fall asleep knowing that Santa would come and bring presents... Seriously, how did they put me to sleep?? I bet they had to drug me.

Well, ok, I hope that whoever stumbles upon this entry is gonna have a nice Xmas mood. :xmas:



I think I don't write much here because of the lack of feedback. Well, I should have been ready for this, what else could I possibly expect? But somehow I expected some comments from time to time. Well, ok, it doesn't really matter. I can forget that there can be any replies at all and just relax. Write whatever comes to my mind. That's the point, isn't it?

Well, anyway, what to write about? I've finished another book (reading, not writing, haha) and am thinking of what to read next. I want it to be a book that makes feel like you're related to the characters and like you live next to them and don't want to part when the book's done with. I only know several books of that sort and I reread them from time to time but I want a new one. Ooops. gotta go.



Being a teenager I hoped I would grow tall. Even though I knew neither of my parents was tall, I still hoped I would outwit genetics somehow. I didn't. So, I'm about 5'3". Looking back I can see that it was mostly due to the childish stereotype that says "the taller - the older - the cooler". And I have no idea why it happened today but I finally made up my mind as to what I really like. I don't like very tall women and I am glad I am not one of them. I think I should thank a girl a saw today in the crowd. She was no one I knew and she looked Asian. As all Asians, she was short, shorter even than me, but she looked so nice and somewhat fascinating. I tried to imagine her tall and what I pictured didn't look nearly as nice as the actual girl. So I realized that I am finally 100% happy with my height. Isn't it stupid to let a six inch height differential confound your happiness? It's not about inches at all. I know tall women that look ridiculous and ungainly. And I know short women who having gained weight, look piggish. So, what the heck? You can look like crap or be gorgeous no matter how tall you are. But as for me, I think that short women look nicer maybe because they look so vulnerable and fragile rather than strong and big. I'm finally happy about it!



Ok, I like this background better =)

So, what to write? I think I might have caught a cold. Not a bad one (yet) but something's decidedly not right. I do hope that it's not gonna get any worse and I will be fine. I wanted to go swimming on Wednesday... I looove swimming! Especially if the water is warm, I feel like I melt and mingle with the water that surrounds me, it's an awesome feeling. And I love diving. I think I like water but only if it's warm enough for me to relax.

In the summer we went to a nearby lake, the bank there is very abrupt. Only gradually could I jump down even though it wasn't too high, it was great! I wanna do that again some time. It's not exactly cliff jumping but still cool.


the move and Spanish

Yay! I'm so happy! We've moved to a new one-bedroom apartment! And I love the neighborhood, there's a park nearby and the neighbors look nice too. Everything's still packed, it's hard to estimate how long the unpacking will take. It only took us two days to pack but I guess now we'll bother with the stuff ways longer.

And the Peruvian guy still hasn't written a line! So I just asked a Mexican girl I know to help me with my exercises and guess what? She emailed me back that very night! She scrutinized my exersices and said my English had become better :) (We had talked in Spanish several times. Well... she talked and I tried to). So, as long as she's willing to help, I won't have to wait weeks for Hugo to react, I don't think he even processed my last message.


white water

A lot of people like snow because it's fluffy and white and glistens. I don't like it because it's cold. If only it were warm I would agree that it's beautiful. I know lots of people who have never seen snow at all and, of course desperately want to. But it's basically just water, how can I explain it to them? It's fluffy and nice with millions of flakes that are never the same but you take it in your hand and it's just water. Stupid thing.



I know a lot of people who hate laundry. Brothers and sisters who argue about it back and forth: "it's your turn!" - "No, it's yours!". What the fuck?! Over what exactly are you fighting? Who'll put the clothes into the washing machine? And then take them out and stuff the dryer? What's wrong with you, people? It hurts when I think what washing clothes was like in the 19th century or earlier. That was a real pain in the butt, now it's a trifle. Well, maybe that's how technical progress works? Maybe in a century there will be a spray that makes all clothes clean in seconds?



I think Sandy is not as bad as they make it look. However, I am glad that I don’t live in New York or anywhere around it. Although, I wish my ex-boyfriend hadn’t moved from NY, I would be glad to know that he’s out there in that mess, I would have a lot of fun picturing him running around the flooded streets. Well, I haven’t heard from him for a very long time, who knows, maybe he’s returned to NY or Pennsylvania. You may think I am a bad person but he deserves every bad thing that can possibly happen to him, believe me.

Now that I’m thinking about it… It could be nice to be in NY those days… No work… Just a lot of sleeping… and no electricity, no hot food… Naah, still sucks.


Mom's call

My mom’s just skyped me. She sounded surprisingly cheerful and happy. Asked if I had any plans for X-mas and New Year yet. She and her friends have found a nice place somewhere in the country and are going there. Do I have plans? Are you kidding me? Do I look like a control freak?

Well, anyway, even though she asked what was new I did not tell her that I am moving. I know her too well to risk. Last time I told her I had found a good job I got fired in three days’ time. So, no, thank you very much. I’ll better wait.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. But I like loving her distantly.

@темы: Family


some moaning

The bad thing about me is that I always have to be perfect. It's like one of my basal needs along with eating and breathing. I have to be better than others or at least not very much worse than them. I am not an idiot, I know that there are professionals or champions and I never compare myself to them. But if I suspect that I inferior to someone quite ordinary in any way, it drives me nuts. I feel desperate and deeply unhappy, everything twists up and turns backwards in bizzare ways. And I start hating myself for being so fucking unperfect.

I'm attending this dance class and each time I am there I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see how clumsy and inflexible and stiff I am and I hate it. And I start thinking that I'm obviously retarded to some point because I am totally unable to grasp whatever's being shown. I can never remember the next move, it drives me crasy! How come my parents never had me checked? I know that it's too early to hold myself in contempt yet, my body needs a while to get used to the new motions and twists, but I can't wait! I need everything to be perfect at once! I have to be the best in my class no matter what! I've always had this thing.

And it's probably the leading reason why I can't love myself entirely.

@темы: Me


Turn the page

I don't think I've ever been a real fan of Metallica but there was time when I really really liked them. And during the span I had friends who liked the band too. So there was a guy who spoke very bad English and once he invited me to his place and asked what one of the songs was about. The funny thing about it was that the video clip was about a stripper/whore who lived in a cheap motel with her little daughter but the song was.... I think it was about a day (or rather a night) of a member of the band itself. So, the lyrics had nothing to do with prostitution ar anything like that. Unless whoever had made the clip thought that a life of a popular person who traveled around the country resembled the one of a whore.

I've recently recalled that day when I translated the song to the guy and I remember myself wondering how they could possibly have made a clip like that for a song like that. And I had no clue. And now I think I do. So does it mean I've become smarter? And I guess I miss those friends of mine a little. And I miss my teenage years. Well, I'm gonna be good, right?

Here's the clip.


Spanish delay

There's a guy who helps me with Spanish. He's from Peru and he said he could help me with my exercises. So I email them to him, he corrects the mistakes and sends them back. On Monday two weeks ago I sent him like a bunch of exercises, he called and said that his computer had broken down and he couldn't reply at once but he would email me on Thursday. Thursday passed... then next Thursday passed - my inbox is still waiting, so do I. Well, I do understand that the guy's all busy and doesn't even have to do anything for me but once you promised... you ought to do it, right? Or at least let the person know that you can't meet the deadline you set up yourself and provide them with the leeway that they might need. I always try to keep my promises and I don't like people who don't. I think I should find another person to help me.

@темы: People

Days of my Life