First entry

Hey! What's up? Here's gonna be this blog where I hope to pour my paranoid thoughts onto occasional (or not quite so) readers. And just to warn you, guys, there's gonna be NO personal information. I don't plan on revealing anything at all about who I am, where I am and so on. All you need to know is that I'm female in my 20s, have a boyfriend and a work.

This blog is also going to be monolingual and as you can guess, the language is going to be English. I am going to ignore all comments or whatever in any other laguage. My first intention was to get a blog at livejournal or google but I just wanna be different and I admit it. Every other blog there is either in English or Chinese, so I thought: what the heck? Why can't I have a blog in English here?

Well, and I don't teach anybody, if you have problems with your school assignment I don't give a crap, I'm not gonna do things for you.

So... I'm a selfish and a little bitchy girl who (sadly) seeks for attention. How lame is that? Dang, who cares?

@темы: Me


a chain of thoughts

Okay... So here I am at work looking forward to going home in several hours. Most of my co-workers are no more than strangers, I don't find them interesting enough to talk to. I bet they think I am a freak. No, I do not have extended tattoos or piercing all around my face, nothing like that, I look quite casual, in fact. But I just don't feel like I'm one of them. When I go to the kitchen and hear them gossip about their husbands' ex-wives and stuff like that I feel both amused at their stupidity and annoyed... I've never heard them talk about anything meaningful, things that would be interesting enough for me to join the conversation. Hold on... Have I ever seen a bunch of guys clustered in the kitchen? Just a few times... So when I think of my co-workers I mostly think of the girls, not the guys, that's the problem! They are more notable, they make more noise and attract more attention, so they seem to dominate, but that is not true. There is quite a lot of guys here and they are not so irritating. Now that I'm thinking about it the guys seem more... intelligent? When I came to work today I had quite a nice chat with that new guy... And minutes ago I enjoyed talking to my partner. Yeah... I can have fun with my co-workers but not with females. Yep, I'm a girl who doesn't know how to deal with other girls. Aren't they just stupid with all that shopping addiction and empty gossipy conversations?

@темы: work


call of selfishness

I'm reading a book and there's a guy who's in love with a girl but he can't let her know due to certain circumstances. The book is not exactly about that but it's one of the lines through the story. So... the author describes the guy's feeling, his restlesness and despair... I know the feelings and I know that they hurt but I just wish someone had them for me. I know it is beyond selfishness but I want someone to be hopelessly in love with me just because I've been there and now I want to be on the other bank. I want to be the object of someone's dreams. For a year I had to deal quite a lot with teanagers and I kept wondering if I was of any interest for any of them. I mean teenage boys tend to fall in love with young teachers or theit classmates' older sisters, right? I myself was in love with the coach in High School. So it would simply be flattering to know that someone loves you from a distance without bothering you or causing problems. It would be nice to watch someone be desperate from the safe other bank.

@темы: Me



So I guess I should say "hello" to the first person who friended me here - garance! Hello! What's up? Speak English, huh?

@темы: Diary



There's a funny thing about the French language: sometimes I hear it and its "r" and the nasal sounds are like.... bleeeh! But sometimes I hear it and it sounds sort of nice... I wonder if it depends on the accent because some speakers seem to have a very strong "rrr" and others just produce a soft (even though still gutteral) sound. And it's not that bad after all. Well, I know nothing about French, I've never taken it, I have no idea how to read or speak it. I just hear the difference. I wonder if that's a Canadian accent that I like better... I dunno. Everyone is so fond of the language... I also wonter if this worldwide admiration is real rather than induced :)

This entry is a result of me having stumbled upon a French song (no idea what it's about).



Hello, Бенвей.! How are you doing? Are you one of those who only read or do you comment too?

Well, anyway, today I put on that long skirt that mom had made for me ages ago. It still fits. Sort of. Well, it's really tight but I can button it! That's good! ... And I have no idea what else I would like to write about. I'm sleepy and somewhat hungry and bored.


Spanish delay

There's a guy who helps me with Spanish. He's from Peru and he said he could help me with my exercises. So I email them to him, he corrects the mistakes and sends them back. On Monday two weeks ago I sent him like a bunch of exercises, he called and said that his computer had broken down and he couldn't reply at once but he would email me on Thursday. Thursday passed... then next Thursday passed - my inbox is still waiting, so do I. Well, I do understand that the guy's all busy and doesn't even have to do anything for me but once you promised... you ought to do it, right? Or at least let the person know that you can't meet the deadline you set up yourself and provide them with the leeway that they might need. I always try to keep my promises and I don't like people who don't. I think I should find another person to help me.

@темы: People


Turn the page

I don't think I've ever been a real fan of Metallica but there was time when I really really liked them. And during the span I had friends who liked the band too. So there was a guy who spoke very bad English and once he invited me to his place and asked what one of the songs was about. The funny thing about it was that the video clip was about a stripper/whore who lived in a cheap motel with her little daughter but the song was.... I think it was about a day (or rather a night) of a member of the band itself. So, the lyrics had nothing to do with prostitution ar anything like that. Unless whoever had made the clip thought that a life of a popular person who traveled around the country resembled the one of a whore.

I've recently recalled that day when I translated the song to the guy and I remember myself wondering how they could possibly have made a clip like that for a song like that. And I had no clue. And now I think I do. So does it mean I've become smarter? And I guess I miss those friends of mine a little. And I miss my teenage years. Well, I'm gonna be good, right?

Here's the clip.


some moaning

The bad thing about me is that I always have to be perfect. It's like one of my basal needs along with eating and breathing. I have to be better than others or at least not very much worse than them. I am not an idiot, I know that there are professionals or champions and I never compare myself to them. But if I suspect that I inferior to someone quite ordinary in any way, it drives me nuts. I feel desperate and deeply unhappy, everything twists up and turns backwards in bizzare ways. And I start hating myself for being so fucking unperfect.

I'm attending this dance class and each time I am there I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see how clumsy and inflexible and stiff I am and I hate it. And I start thinking that I'm obviously retarded to some point because I am totally unable to grasp whatever's being shown. I can never remember the next move, it drives me crasy! How come my parents never had me checked? I know that it's too early to hold myself in contempt yet, my body needs a while to get used to the new motions and twists, but I can't wait! I need everything to be perfect at once! I have to be the best in my class no matter what! I've always had this thing.

And it's probably the leading reason why I can't love myself entirely.

@темы: Me


Mom's call

My mom’s just skyped me. She sounded surprisingly cheerful and happy. Asked if I had any plans for X-mas and New Year yet. She and her friends have found a nice place somewhere in the country and are going there. Do I have plans? Are you kidding me? Do I look like a control freak?

Well, anyway, even though she asked what was new I did not tell her that I am moving. I know her too well to risk. Last time I told her I had found a good job I got fired in three days’ time. So, no, thank you very much. I’ll better wait.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. But I like loving her distantly.

@темы: Family



I think Sandy is not as bad as they make it look. However, I am glad that I don’t live in New York or anywhere around it. Although, I wish my ex-boyfriend hadn’t moved from NY, I would be glad to know that he’s out there in that mess, I would have a lot of fun picturing him running around the flooded streets. Well, I haven’t heard from him for a very long time, who knows, maybe he’s returned to NY or Pennsylvania. You may think I am a bad person but he deserves every bad thing that can possibly happen to him, believe me.

Now that I’m thinking about it… It could be nice to be in NY those days… No work… Just a lot of sleeping… and no electricity, no hot food… Naah, still sucks.



I know a lot of people who hate laundry. Brothers and sisters who argue about it back and forth: "it's your turn!" - "No, it's yours!". What the fuck?! Over what exactly are you fighting? Who'll put the clothes into the washing machine? And then take them out and stuff the dryer? What's wrong with you, people? It hurts when I think what washing clothes was like in the 19th century or earlier. That was a real pain in the butt, now it's a trifle. Well, maybe that's how technical progress works? Maybe in a century there will be a spray that makes all clothes clean in seconds?


white water

A lot of people like snow because it's fluffy and white and glistens. I don't like it because it's cold. If only it were warm I would agree that it's beautiful. I know lots of people who have never seen snow at all and, of course desperately want to. But it's basically just water, how can I explain it to them? It's fluffy and nice with millions of flakes that are never the same but you take it in your hand and it's just water. Stupid thing.


the move and Spanish

Yay! I'm so happy! We've moved to a new one-bedroom apartment! And I love the neighborhood, there's a park nearby and the neighbors look nice too. Everything's still packed, it's hard to estimate how long the unpacking will take. It only took us two days to pack but I guess now we'll bother with the stuff ways longer.

And the Peruvian guy still hasn't written a line! So I just asked a Mexican girl I know to help me with my exercises and guess what? She emailed me back that very night! She scrutinized my exersices and said my English had become better :) (We had talked in Spanish several times. Well... she talked and I tried to). So, as long as she's willing to help, I won't have to wait weeks for Hugo to react, I don't think he even processed my last message.



Ok, I like this background better =)

So, what to write? I think I might have caught a cold. Not a bad one (yet) but something's decidedly not right. I do hope that it's not gonna get any worse and I will be fine. I wanted to go swimming on Wednesday... I looove swimming! Especially if the water is warm, I feel like I melt and mingle with the water that surrounds me, it's an awesome feeling. And I love diving. I think I like water but only if it's warm enough for me to relax.

In the summer we went to a nearby lake, the bank there is very abrupt. Only gradually could I jump down even though it wasn't too high, it was great! I wanna do that again some time. It's not exactly cliff jumping but still cool.



Being a teenager I hoped I would grow tall. Even though I knew neither of my parents was tall, I still hoped I would outwit genetics somehow. I didn't. So, I'm about 5'3". Looking back I can see that it was mostly due to the childish stereotype that says "the taller - the older - the cooler". And I have no idea why it happened today but I finally made up my mind as to what I really like. I don't like very tall women and I am glad I am not one of them. I think I should thank a girl a saw today in the crowd. She was no one I knew and she looked Asian. As all Asians, she was short, shorter even than me, but she looked so nice and somewhat fascinating. I tried to imagine her tall and what I pictured didn't look nearly as nice as the actual girl. So I realized that I am finally 100% happy with my height. Isn't it stupid to let a six inch height differential confound your happiness? It's not about inches at all. I know tall women that look ridiculous and ungainly. And I know short women who having gained weight, look piggish. So, what the heck? You can look like crap or be gorgeous no matter how tall you are. But as for me, I think that short women look nicer maybe because they look so vulnerable and fragile rather than strong and big. I'm finally happy about it!



I think I don't write much here because of the lack of feedback. Well, I should have been ready for this, what else could I possibly expect? But somehow I expected some comments from time to time. Well, ok, it doesn't really matter. I can forget that there can be any replies at all and just relax. Write whatever comes to my mind. That's the point, isn't it?

Well, anyway, what to write about? I've finished another book (reading, not writing, haha) and am thinking of what to read next. I want it to be a book that makes feel like you're related to the characters and like you live next to them and don't want to part when the book's done with. I only know several books of that sort and I reread them from time to time but I want a new one. Ooops. gotta go.



Ok, I'm back. These weeks were quite hectic with all the shopping and stuff. I like the days right before Christmas when I can relax, watch the decorated pine tree sparkle in the corner and listen to Frank Sinatra.

When I was a kid I loved getting presents, now I am even more excited about giving presents. I always anticipate people's reaction to what I prepared for them. I love seeing their curiosity and thrill and... well, you know... this way their eyes glisten. I think I really like it more than waiting for presents. Maybe that's because I don't get as many presents now as I used to because I do not have as many friends these days. Well, maybe this year it will be better!

You know, I have no idea how I could possibly fall asleep knowing that Santa would come and bring presents... Seriously, how did they put me to sleep?? I bet they had to drug me.

Well, ok, I hope that whoever stumbles upon this entry is gonna have a nice Xmas mood. :xmas:



Woohoo!! Damn, I totally forgot about this place! Umm... I guess, I should tell you (are there any "you", really?) about my Xmas, New Years and stuff. But I don't feel much like writing. Haha! Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Ummm... Anyway, I am bored now and really wish I had some pot. Just an ounce... pleeeease?? It would really amend some things. Ugh... Fuck it.


shortly about the holidays

Ok, here I am, waiting for my dinner and having nothing else to do. Well, I mean, of course I could clean around or even call my parents to ask how they are doing but let's be realists, nobody ever does it. So, ummm... Xmas was fine, I got some cool presents although I seem to have spent much more money on the stuff I gave other people than what I actually received. But that's what my family is like. My mom will never spend an extra penny on me, she saves everything she can to buy nice (and useless) stuff for herself. So, her present was decidedly the stupidest, I don't even wanna tell anybody what it was. I'm so fucking mysterious.

The New Year's party was a total freak show! I love watching other people booze up and horse around. I can't drink that much myself, physically... so I prefer good old pot and watching everybody else drink whatever they like. Sometimes I pretend I drink screwdriver drinking orange juice, nobody likes those who don't drink. Anyway, I will really try to show up here a bit oftener. Gotta go now, the dinner's waiting.

Days of my Life