I am depressed. I hate my life and wish I could just start the following one. As a new person in a new family in a new place... I don't feel like going to the gym or jogging or hiking, don't wanna do Spanish, don't wanna read. I wanna take a handful of pills and go to sleep. But I know my boyfriend would hate that. I absolutely don't want to make him sad, so I pretend I am fine.

I had a bad talk with mom today, she pissed me off. She always does with her high expectations. Tells me what to do, what to like and what to want. Where was she when I was 13? She was too busy going to restaurants and gardening. And now she thinks she can fix it all up. Too fucking late. I used to admire her because she was never around, was always distant, beautiful and witty. She should have seized the moment but she lost her chance. Now I see her clearly: she's a selfish envious loser. Now I want to stay as far from her as possible. I wanna be a distant relative, this way she likes me better. And I don't wanna talk to her. Ugh...

We're going to movies tomorrow. Hope it will cheer me up just a bit. I feel so lonely and forsaken. I have no true friends save for my boyfriend, it's not normal, is it?



There's a funny thing about the French language: sometimes I hear it and its "r" and the nasal sounds are like.... bleeeh! But sometimes I hear it and it sounds sort of nice... I wonder if it depends on the accent because some speakers seem to have a very strong "rrr" and others just produce a soft (even though still gutteral) sound. And it's not that bad after all. Well, I know nothing about French, I've never taken it, I have no idea how to read or speak it. I just hear the difference. I wonder if that's a Canadian accent that I like better... I dunno. Everyone is so fond of the language... I also wonter if this worldwide admiration is real rather than induced :)

This entry is a result of me having stumbled upon a French song (no idea what it's about).


shortly about the holidays

Ok, here I am, waiting for my dinner and having nothing else to do. Well, I mean, of course I could clean around or even call my parents to ask how they are doing but let's be realists, nobody ever does it. So, ummm... Xmas was fine, I got some cool presents although I seem to have spent much more money on the stuff I gave other people than what I actually received. But that's what my family is like. My mom will never spend an extra penny on me, she saves everything she can to buy nice (and useless) stuff for herself. So, her present was decidedly the stupidest, I don't even wanna tell anybody what it was. I'm so fucking mysterious.

The New Year's party was a total freak show! I love watching other people booze up and horse around. I can't drink that much myself, physically... so I prefer good old pot and watching everybody else drink whatever they like. Sometimes I pretend I drink screwdriver drinking orange juice, nobody likes those who don't drink. Anyway, I will really try to show up here a bit oftener. Gotta go now, the dinner's waiting.



Hello, Бенвей.! How are you doing? Are you one of those who only read or do you comment too?

Well, anyway, today I put on that long skirt that mom had made for me ages ago. It still fits. Sort of. Well, it's really tight but I can button it! That's good! ... And I have no idea what else I would like to write about. I'm sleepy and somewhat hungry and bored.



Hey! It looks like one more person is going to try to read my blog! I'm almost popular! :tongue: Welcome anyway! Feel free to say whatever comes to your mind!

Well, what I actually wanted to write is that I absolutely hate getting up early. I feel like a wreck each time I have to wake up before 8 a.m. I only know one girl who wakes up at dawn and feels truly awake. She can actually start laundry at 7 a.m.! Crazy!

I have a co-worker… He’s younger than me by several years and he’s quite attractive but simply not my type. Too feminine, I would say. But he's not gay (if he is he's not aware of that yet) and I know he likes me. It feels good. I am not going to have any relationship with him but his interest flatters me. It’s been a while since a man other than my boyfriend showed any interest. Nearly all the men I know also know my boyfriend (since they are mostly his friends) and so they treat me like I’m genderless. And this guy… I can’t say he flirts but he often tries to catch my gaze and starts small talks about books and things like that. Well, maybe he’s simply a nice guy and there’s no premeditation in his actions but I sort of hope otherwise. Being a schoolgirl I never had any admirers and I hoped that when I grow up I would be more popular. I’ve never wanted guys to lust after me, it is somewhat disgusting but… damn, I don’t know… I guess I just want some attention… I'm a girl after all.



The Peruvian guy called me today to tell me that... ummm... well, I'm not sure what his point was because I only understood about probably 10% of what he was saying. I think he said he was ill (or had been ill?) and was going to email me. And he was speaking ENGLISH! I actually wished he was speaking Spanish, I may have understood a little more. God, that is some accent! I just kept saying "mm-huh" and "sure" without even understanding things. I hope he is not coming to visit or something... And I really hope I didn't hurt his feelings! I wonder if my accent is just as bad when I speak Spanish...

Guys! Those who learn English or any other foreign language. Please, pay MORE attention to pronunciation! It DOES matter!!! And if you're not sure that your pronunciation is good enough then don't call people, TEXT them!!!



Geez, I'm tired. Why do people like Fridays? I'm usually so sleepy and tired by the end of the week that I only want to crawl back home, lower the blinds and bury myself under a pile of sheets. I don't even feel like taking shower at times. Ummm... so... I could whine a little more about how tired I am but I won't. I better whine about something else. For example, about my poor imagination.

I think I would like to practice my creative writing here (I mean I could post some made-up stories) and maybe I will some day pretty soon. But you can't write a good story if you have shit for plot and I never seem to have a plot other than shit. I need to relax and let my imagination float but it's so hard to do lately. I simply can't find enough time. I start fidgeting aboutf what to buy for dinner and stuff like that. But I don't plan on writing a novel, do I? All I need is a short story at a time. But even a short story must have a core... Damn, I just need to relax. I could use some pot. It's always helped people.


about jogging

Ok, another brief note, I guess. I just wanted to write a bit about jogging. I like jogging, really, I like feeling that I work out and that all my muscles work, I derive true joy from the exertion, I even like tasting my pulse in my throat and knowing that my heart is getting stronger. So why is it so fucking hard to kick my ass out of bed early in the morning and exercise? The first mile is always the hardest but then your body sort of puts up with it and you start actually enjoying it. I don't even mind sweating... Although jogging in summertime can be really challenging. If it's too hot your ming keeps slipping to thinking about the bottle of water you clasp frantically in your hand and about a halt out there and there's no more leeway for pleasure. You get this feeling that you're traversing a gigantic oven that has no end...

Thankfully, not yet =)



Ok, I'm back. These weeks were quite hectic with all the shopping and stuff. I like the days right before Christmas when I can relax, watch the decorated pine tree sparkle in the corner and listen to Frank Sinatra.

When I was a kid I loved getting presents, now I am even more excited about giving presents. I always anticipate people's reaction to what I prepared for them. I love seeing their curiosity and thrill and... well, you know... this way their eyes glisten. I think I really like it more than waiting for presents. Maybe that's because I don't get as many presents now as I used to because I do not have as many friends these days. Well, maybe this year it will be better!

You know, I have no idea how I could possibly fall asleep knowing that Santa would come and bring presents... Seriously, how did they put me to sleep?? I bet they had to drug me.

Well, ok, I hope that whoever stumbles upon this entry is gonna have a nice Xmas mood. :xmas:



I think I don't write much here because of the lack of feedback. Well, I should have been ready for this, what else could I possibly expect? But somehow I expected some comments from time to time. Well, ok, it doesn't really matter. I can forget that there can be any replies at all and just relax. Write whatever comes to my mind. That's the point, isn't it?

Well, anyway, what to write about? I've finished another book (reading, not writing, haha) and am thinking of what to read next. I want it to be a book that makes feel like you're related to the characters and like you live next to them and don't want to part when the book's done with. I only know several books of that sort and I reread them from time to time but I want a new one. Ooops. gotta go.



Being a teenager I hoped I would grow tall. Even though I knew neither of my parents was tall, I still hoped I would outwit genetics somehow. I didn't. So, I'm about 5'3". Looking back I can see that it was mostly due to the childish stereotype that says "the taller - the older - the cooler". And I have no idea why it happened today but I finally made up my mind as to what I really like. I don't like very tall women and I am glad I am not one of them. I think I should thank a girl a saw today in the crowd. She was no one I knew and she looked Asian. As all Asians, she was short, shorter even than me, but she looked so nice and somewhat fascinating. I tried to imagine her tall and what I pictured didn't look nearly as nice as the actual girl. So I realized that I am finally 100% happy with my height. Isn't it stupid to let a six inch height differential confound your happiness? It's not about inches at all. I know tall women that look ridiculous and ungainly. And I know short women who having gained weight, look piggish. So, what the heck? You can look like crap or be gorgeous no matter how tall you are. But as for me, I think that short women look nicer maybe because they look so vulnerable and fragile rather than strong and big. I'm finally happy about it!



Ok, I like this background better =)

So, what to write? I think I might have caught a cold. Not a bad one (yet) but something's decidedly not right. I do hope that it's not gonna get any worse and I will be fine. I wanted to go swimming on Wednesday... I looove swimming! Especially if the water is warm, I feel like I melt and mingle with the water that surrounds me, it's an awesome feeling. And I love diving. I think I like water but only if it's warm enough for me to relax.

In the summer we went to a nearby lake, the bank there is very abrupt. Only gradually could I jump down even though it wasn't too high, it was great! I wanna do that again some time. It's not exactly cliff jumping but still cool.


some moaning

The bad thing about me is that I always have to be perfect. It's like one of my basal needs along with eating and breathing. I have to be better than others or at least not very much worse than them. I am not an idiot, I know that there are professionals or champions and I never compare myself to them. But if I suspect that I inferior to someone quite ordinary in any way, it drives me nuts. I feel desperate and deeply unhappy, everything twists up and turns backwards in bizzare ways. And I start hating myself for being so fucking unperfect.

I'm attending this dance class and each time I am there I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see how clumsy and inflexible and stiff I am and I hate it. And I start thinking that I'm obviously retarded to some point because I am totally unable to grasp whatever's being shown. I can never remember the next move, it drives me crasy! How come my parents never had me checked? I know that it's too early to hold myself in contempt yet, my body needs a while to get used to the new motions and twists, but I can't wait! I need everything to be perfect at once! I have to be the best in my class no matter what! I've always had this thing.

And it's probably the leading reason why I can't love myself entirely.

@темы: Me


Spanish delay

There's a guy who helps me with Spanish. He's from Peru and he said he could help me with my exercises. So I email them to him, he corrects the mistakes and sends them back. On Monday two weeks ago I sent him like a bunch of exercises, he called and said that his computer had broken down and he couldn't reply at once but he would email me on Thursday. Thursday passed... then next Thursday passed - my inbox is still waiting, so do I. Well, I do understand that the guy's all busy and doesn't even have to do anything for me but once you promised... you ought to do it, right? Or at least let the person know that you can't meet the deadline you set up yourself and provide them with the leeway that they might need. I always try to keep my promises and I don't like people who don't. I think I should find another person to help me.

@темы: People



So I guess I should say "hello" to the first person who friended me here - garance! Hello! What's up? Speak English, huh?

@темы: Diary


call of selfishness

I'm reading a book and there's a guy who's in love with a girl but he can't let her know due to certain circumstances. The book is not exactly about that but it's one of the lines through the story. So... the author describes the guy's feeling, his restlesness and despair... I know the feelings and I know that they hurt but I just wish someone had them for me. I know it is beyond selfishness but I want someone to be hopelessly in love with me just because I've been there and now I want to be on the other bank. I want to be the object of someone's dreams. For a year I had to deal quite a lot with teanagers and I kept wondering if I was of any interest for any of them. I mean teenage boys tend to fall in love with young teachers or theit classmates' older sisters, right? I myself was in love with the coach in High School. So it would simply be flattering to know that someone loves you from a distance without bothering you or causing problems. It would be nice to watch someone be desperate from the safe other bank.

@темы: Me


a chain of thoughts

Okay... So here I am at work looking forward to going home in several hours. Most of my co-workers are no more than strangers, I don't find them interesting enough to talk to. I bet they think I am a freak. No, I do not have extended tattoos or piercing all around my face, nothing like that, I look quite casual, in fact. But I just don't feel like I'm one of them. When I go to the kitchen and hear them gossip about their husbands' ex-wives and stuff like that I feel both amused at their stupidity and annoyed... I've never heard them talk about anything meaningful, things that would be interesting enough for me to join the conversation. Hold on... Have I ever seen a bunch of guys clustered in the kitchen? Just a few times... So when I think of my co-workers I mostly think of the girls, not the guys, that's the problem! They are more notable, they make more noise and attract more attention, so they seem to dominate, but that is not true. There is quite a lot of guys here and they are not so irritating. Now that I'm thinking about it the guys seem more... intelligent? When I came to work today I had quite a nice chat with that new guy... And minutes ago I enjoyed talking to my partner. Yeah... I can have fun with my co-workers but not with females. Yep, I'm a girl who doesn't know how to deal with other girls. Aren't they just stupid with all that shopping addiction and empty gossipy conversations?

@темы: work


First entry

Hey! What's up? Here's gonna be this blog where I hope to pour my paranoid thoughts onto occasional (or not quite so) readers. And just to warn you, guys, there's gonna be NO personal information. I don't plan on revealing anything at all about who I am, where I am and so on. All you need to know is that I'm female in my 20s, have a boyfriend and a work.

This blog is also going to be monolingual and as you can guess, the language is going to be English. I am going to ignore all comments or whatever in any other laguage. My first intention was to get a blog at livejournal or google but I just wanna be different and I admit it. Every other blog there is either in English or Chinese, so I thought: what the heck? Why can't I have a blog in English here?

Well, and I don't teach anybody, if you have problems with your school assignment I don't give a crap, I'm not gonna do things for you.

So... I'm a selfish and a little bitchy girl who (sadly) seeks for attention. How lame is that? Dang, who cares?

@темы: Me



I think Sandy is not as bad as they make it look. However, I am glad that I don’t live in New York or anywhere around it. Although, I wish my ex-boyfriend hadn’t moved from NY, I would be glad to know that he’s out there in that mess, I would have a lot of fun picturing him running around the flooded streets. Well, I haven’t heard from him for a very long time, who knows, maybe he’s returned to NY or Pennsylvania. You may think I am a bad person but he deserves every bad thing that can possibly happen to him, believe me.

Now that I’m thinking about it… It could be nice to be in NY those days… No work… Just a lot of sleeping… and no electricity, no hot food… Naah, still sucks.



Woohoo!! Damn, I totally forgot about this place! Umm... I guess, I should tell you (are there any "you", really?) about my Xmas, New Years and stuff. But I don't feel much like writing. Haha! Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Ummm... Anyway, I am bored now and really wish I had some pot. Just an ounce... pleeeease?? It would really amend some things. Ugh... Fuck it.

Days of my Life