Записи с темой: me (список заголовков)

some moaning

The bad thing about me is that I always have to be perfect. It's like one of my basal needs along with eating and breathing. I have to be better than others or at least not very much worse than them. I am not an idiot, I know that there are professionals or champions and I never compare myself to them. But if I suspect that I inferior to someone quite ordinary in any way, it drives me nuts. I feel desperate and deeply unhappy, everything twists up and turns backwards in bizzare ways. And I start hating myself for being so fucking unperfect.

I'm attending this dance class and each time I am there I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see how clumsy and inflexible and stiff I am and I hate it. And I start thinking that I'm obviously retarded to some point because I am totally unable to grasp whatever's being shown. I can never remember the next move, it drives me crasy! How come my parents never had me checked? I know that it's too early to hold myself in contempt yet, my body needs a while to get used to the new motions and twists, but I can't wait! I need everything to be perfect at once! I have to be the best in my class no matter what! I've always had this thing.

And it's probably the leading reason why I can't love myself entirely.

@темы: Me


call of selfishness

I'm reading a book and there's a guy who's in love with a girl but he can't let her know due to certain circumstances. The book is not exactly about that but it's one of the lines through the story. So... the author describes the guy's feeling, his restlesness and despair... I know the feelings and I know that they hurt but I just wish someone had them for me. I know it is beyond selfishness but I want someone to be hopelessly in love with me just because I've been there and now I want to be on the other bank. I want to be the object of someone's dreams. For a year I had to deal quite a lot with teanagers and I kept wondering if I was of any interest for any of them. I mean teenage boys tend to fall in love with young teachers or theit classmates' older sisters, right? I myself was in love with the coach in High School. So it would simply be flattering to know that someone loves you from a distance without bothering you or causing problems. It would be nice to watch someone be desperate from the safe other bank.

@темы: Me


First entry

Hey! What's up? Here's gonna be this blog where I hope to pour my paranoid thoughts onto occasional (or not quite so) readers. And just to warn you, guys, there's gonna be NO personal information. I don't plan on revealing anything at all about who I am, where I am and so on. All you need to know is that I'm female in my 20s, have a boyfriend and a work.

This blog is also going to be monolingual and as you can guess, the language is going to be English. I am going to ignore all comments or whatever in any other laguage. My first intention was to get a blog at livejournal or google but I just wanna be different and I admit it. Every other blog there is either in English or Chinese, so I thought: what the heck? Why can't I have a blog in English here?

Well, and I don't teach anybody, if you have problems with your school assignment I don't give a crap, I'm not gonna do things for you.

So... I'm a selfish and a little bitchy girl who (sadly) seeks for attention. How lame is that? Dang, who cares?

@темы: Me

Days of my Life