Ojos Verdes
The bad thing about me is that I always have to be perfect. It's like one of my basal needs along with eating and breathing. I have to be better than others or at least not very much worse than them. I am not an idiot, I know that there are professionals or champions and I never compare myself to them. But if I suspect that I inferior to someone quite ordinary in any way, it drives me nuts. I feel desperate and deeply unhappy, everything twists up and turns backwards in bizzare ways. And I start hating myself for being so fucking unperfect.

I'm attending this dance class and each time I am there I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see how clumsy and inflexible and stiff I am and I hate it. And I start thinking that I'm obviously retarded to some point because I am totally unable to grasp whatever's being shown. I can never remember the next move, it drives me crasy! How come my parents never had me checked? I know that it's too early to hold myself in contempt yet, my body needs a while to get used to the new motions and twists, but I can't wait! I need everything to be perfect at once! I have to be the best in my class no matter what! I've always had this thing.

And it's probably the leading reason why I can't love myself entirely.

@темы: Me